It's Up to You(as in..not me)

I think I have hit a new watermark in my faith!  Several years ago, I came under pretty strong conviction about worry being a sin and that I should stop.  This was a big deal because worrying is genetically and environmentally hardwired into me and was part of my very personality.  The Lincoln girls could write the book on how to derive the most hysteria and drama out of any situation.  God was going to have to radically alter my heart, my brain, my emotional makeup to root this out.  "But everybody's doing it!" is my most workable excuse.  Instead of stopping, though,  I think what my sin did was just go under cover.  Instead of an open wringing of the hands and chronic complaining about the dramas of ordinary life, it took on a new form(though some might disagree) and could now be better described as a  case of quiet, persistent gnawing in the abdomen accompanied by an occasional irregular heart rate.   I'm not ranting aloud so much my worries like I did, just an honest telling of the situation with a few "I'm trusting God"'s thrown in.  And I could even keep in close check the "what if's" that dominated my thought life.  But had I really learned to trust my God?

I don't think so.  If lust is undercover adultery and hate is undercover murder, then could this pain in my gut be a new pushed-down, slow-burn way to worry. Honestly, it was much harder on my health than verbalizing.  Finally,   I  had to ask myself the question:  I am still less than sure about the truth of Romans 8:28 that He can work all things to my good?  Do I personally know with certainty the thematic testimony in scripture about the radical goodness and capability of my God?  Can He truly take care of everything and allow me to live like the spoiled little girl.  Is He seriously the awesome Papa bearing all my burdens who just lets me be the contented child.  Can He really right all the wrongs in my life, restore all the broken things, heal all the diseases, free all the prisoners, and mount us all up on wings?  I read a lot about this stuff daily. But do I believe it?  I do believe. I don't just believe, I know!  He has faithfully demonstrated Himself personally to me enough.  I know. There is a new place in me where I know for sure.   And as that new place of knowing grows my raw place is healing up, my heart rate settling, even in the middle of some seriously stormy drama.  I might even fall asleep.